Fred’s Monthly Horrorscope

Our highly trained psychic as well as our residential amateur tattoo artist, pulls no punches as he (for a small fee from us) pulls back the veil of time, reality and sanity to bring you a no frills, completely 100% accurate look at your future. (Ok, he’s probably closer to 98% accurate) We guarantee you all of it to be helpful, and shenanigan free or your money back.


ScorpioScorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22
Focus anew on your health and diet this month by trying to not eat so many pizza rolls, and stop buttering your toast with bacon grease (even though bacon is nature’s candy)– you don’t have to make drastic changes, but, if you break your leg and gravy pours out there may want to at least talk to a witch doctor. I wouldn’t say that you have to join a gym, but you do have to be open to new ideas try to do something that makes people not think that you deep fry your hands before biting your fingernails. While the excitement or relief you feel is short-lived after eating all those hot wings the blood you’ll be farting won’t last terribly long. Just remember, that just because it’s white, doesn’t mean a glassful of ranch will do for you what a glassful of milk will…unless you’re lactose intolerant, then yes, it will.

SaggiSagittarius Nov 23 – Dec 22
All of your efforts to connect with a certain someone are working, but they might be working too slowly for your taste steal their house keys, and sneak in to their homes and fix them dinner, but leave before they get home, this is one time when you can’t push things. You will have to be patient and let them come around in the way they want and at the speed they want. Waiting won’t be fun, but think about it this way — your reward will be sweet, and you will know that it comes from a very genuine place. It won’t be the result of any pressure or manipulation. Just in case they reject you by your being so stalkeriffic, don’t forget to collect toenail clippings, hair brush remnants, and any possible loose teeth, so you can finally build that mannequin of them.

capCapricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20
Do you respect your money? Prove it. Go buy yourself a bunch of tickets to see that rasslin’ you love so much. Take extra time to unfold your currency and make it all face the same direction in your wallet, because cashiers really appreciate that kind of stuff, and may ask you out on a date! Make sure all your credit cards are in the right place so when your pockets get picked, they won’t have to do a lot of looking. Sort out loose change and find out how much you have in your couch cushions, because where else do you think dinner is coming from?! (We all know you aren’t cooking) When your cash-on-hand is under control, you show the universe that you can handle the responsibility of having it, because there may be a shift in the Earth’s gravity which may cause you, and only you to launch into space where you would most likely suffocate and freeze to death…unless of course you have a pocket full of cash that may serve as insulation then you can triumphantly say “Screw you, universe”!

aquarius2Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
Someone in your social circle is in desperate need of some high energy adventure — and don’t be surprised if they look to you to supply it by putting as many embarrassing pictures of them and their significant other on social media. Trust me, they’ll ask you to do it! Their schedule might not allow them to go off barhopping with them, but don’t be surprised if you go out anyway and find them with other people, because they don’t like you anyway. Make sure you charge a bunch of drinks to their table Sea Bass. Who knows — maybe they’ll, realize how wrong they were bring you back a souvenir? But, they more than likely won’t.

picPisces Feb 20 – March 20
Too many thoughts bouncing around in your head? Give all your worrying a rest and concentrate on having fun with your honey. Head out to a karaoke bar and sing your troubles away. Always remember, you are the true Lord of the Dance. Join others to help a cause close to your heart, ask them to donate money to your Ramen noodle fund. Ask if your partner is interested in joining, too (they should because they are more than likely the ones eating them all) Make couple time serve more than one purpose. Make sure you both dress snappy when you go out, like wear jean shorts with elastic waists, and socks with your sandals. But you need to make sure you coordinate your fanny packs. You could change the world together (but probably not). Never mind all the snickering and pointing, those folks are just jelly.

ariesAries March 21 – April 20
Your ambition is a powerful force, but it can get exhausted just like any other energy. Today you might not be the day you try using the mind meld, nerve pinch or mind trick…just leave your mind out of it if you can. Just stare blankly at the wall, but don’t forget to occasionally shake your head in case Earlene the secretary is speaking to you. If you get caught daydreaming make sure you blame it on explosive diarrhea. Step back and allow other people to be the movers and shakers. Learn how to enjoy being in the background – you belong in the shadows. Give it a try. Do not confuse lack of praise with a lack of respect. You’ve earned both.

zodiac_taurus-navyTaurus April 21 – May 21
Today, your cheerful energy could come off as ‘too’ cheerful and quite dumb for those people whose lives are currently going better than yours. This lack of jealousy could cause some weirdness in people who you normally get along with quite well. Take this change in their character personally — this is certainly about you. An investment of a shovel, rope, lime is recommended (But if they ask about it, you’re growing a garden). If someone who is super chipper needs everyone else around them to be chipper, then you should try like hell to make fun of them so they become miserable like you. You’ve got work to do.

geminiGemini May 22 – June 21
As your bowels loosen up and everyone is happily off doing their own thing and you’re playing the king of the porcelain throne, maybe it’s time for you to do your own thing, to run naked through their rooms after you’ve eaten a whole bunch of baked beans with your hands, but leave. Just let it all go, man… or woman (Women can totally do this too) This is a wonderful time to schedule a long weekend retreat for yourself – make sure you try to reenact all of those classic Tom Cruise scenes from Risky Business to Legend, but it is one you and only you should indulge in. Too many other people have been the focus of your life, and they don’t appreciate the true majesty of Tom. Who truly does? Right now, the central focus should be you and your sliding across the floor in your underwear, or lack of. It’s a good time for deep thought and for contemplating those tap dance lessons.

cancerCancer June 22 – July 22
Sure, money makes the world go ’round, and you have none because you spent it all on “The One Ring” (I mean Hey, it had a legit COA signed by the guy with the awesome ponytail that you bought it from AND it was actually worn by “Tyrone the Hobbit”) but you shouldn’t let that ruin your day by remembering that since you’re broke the world stands still. Focusing too much on money is not going to achieve anything but make winning the lottery your retirement plan. How much something costs bears little if any resemblance to how much something is actually worth (Because Dart Vader’s sweat socks are worth a butt ton) so don’t get all impressed by price tags or brand names like Jordache, Chic, or L.A. Gear. If you plan on doing any shopping, be very careful. Make sure you are getting your money’s worth — if not more than your money’s worth. If there’s a bunch of pairs of Bugle Boy jeans on the discount shelf, buy ’em!

leoLeo July 23 – August 21
A person who thinks that they know better than you will try to take control of the conversation today, and it will irk you to no end. Let them, because you’re an idiot and they’re deities among the rest of the world. But they will have patience with you– you lack the social and communication skills they have and are letting your insecurities have too much control over things. You should feel the need to prove how smart or how clever you are, and the mere fact that they are trying so hard to spell out cursive handwriting with spaghetti should account for something. But be sure to wear your helmet.

virgo-48x64Virgo Aug 22 – Sep 23
It’s no longer worth it for you to hang back and let everyone else be the movers and the shakers. But, space ship pilot is still a goal worth trying for. At work, speak up in that meeting; confirm all of those rumors that you are a complete moron. Ask to take a key role on a new project but be sure to pick the best team, delegate all of the work, and sit back and do nothing. At home, figure out a way to reorganize your furniture by stacking everything on top of each other, so you can have more room for activities or give the kitchen a thorough cleaning with your tongue, you want to be able to eat off that floor right? Socially, start planning a dinner party or adventurous outing for your group of friends and then cancel at the last minute. Give everyone something to look forward to. You have an impact to make on the world, so go out and find a tall building.

libraLibra Sep 24 – October 23
Take extra special care with everything you write today, and don’t waste an opportunity to get creative, be sure you use a crayon. Adding a poetic, funny or whimsical attitude to your emails, text messages and other notes will make your messages more interesting and meaningful to the recipients “Man from Nantucket ones work the best”, especially to your boss. Do not deliver the expected ‘hi, how are you doing?’ right now — that’s too plain to accurately communicate what’s going on in your mind, and it’s not going to get anyone excited. Instead talk about your dog and its heartworm condition, take pictures of Fido if at all possible and show them on lunch break.

“From the depth of my tree hole I give you the truth, I wouldn’t lie to you. I promise.”– Fred Forrager


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